Cold as ICE!

gen: Don't eat that Almond Joy.

I look at the opened, uneaten Almond Joy in front of me. 


me: Why?

gen: It looks poisoned.

I grab it, inspect it.


me: It doesn't look poisoned.

gen: Yeah! Look underneath it. It looks all wet and weird.

I take a bite anyway.

gen: Well, give a bite to Hannah too cause if you die, I'm not takin care of her...




damn. lol

Turkey smells

gen: Did you know burning feathers smell like turkey?

me: Eww. Now I do.

gen: I just made that up.

me: ...pwahalhjahah! WHAA??

Completely irrelevant picture.

ahhh she's back.

Music Appreciation

gen's humming Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" 


gen: Wait, what's a type of music I don't listen to?

me: Country! No, DEATH METAL!!

gen: (a little taken aback by my enthusiasm) Death... metal? Hmm, yeah I guess so.

I waited for some kind of explanation, but she just carried on... 

mean people

I'm looking through the new stuff I just bought for my vacation:

me: I love this shirt, but it's one of those shirts you can't wear all the time because people will be like "uhh didn't you wear that owl shirt last week??"

gen: yeah

me: I mean like, sorry I wore my own shirt twice in one year. UGH! People are so mean!

gen: yeah they are!

vicky: Yeah! Like that girl with dyslexia. How rude!

me: ....

____________________________________________________________
They grow on you... like a fungus.

what have you done for me lately??

hannah just bumped her chin and bit her tongue...

me: Ohhh! My poor baby! Did you bite your tongue?

hannah:  [nods]

me: Do you want an ice pop? GEN! Get the baby an ice pop, POST HASTE!

gen: Post haste?? [to hannah] What have you ever done for me??

hannah: [gives the stink eye] Gen, my pop.
______________________________________


I think it's clear who's the boss in this house!

Fun with Presidents

Victoria has her moments too...


vicky: You have a fake tooth??

me: Yeah.

vicky: Oh! Like Jefferson Adams!

me: ...

vicky: Thomas Jefferson?

me: George Washington. Close though.

________________________________________________

Excuse me while I go stick my hand in a blender...

the other sister

We were thinkin about watching some good old Netflix...


gen: We should watch The Other Sister!!

me: Oooh yeah!!

gen: You've seen it before?

me: Hell yeah. I love that movie!

vicky: Wait, is it funny?

me & gen: ehhh well, yeah it's... yeah.

gen: If you think retards are funny.


LMAO she has about as much political correctness as Daniel Tosh.

looks like rain

gen: I only have two things in my bag [for camp tomorrow].

me: Well, what are the two things?

gen: A towel and sun tan lotion.*

me: ...why do you have a towel?**

gen: -shrugs- Cus it might rain.
.
..
...
....
...
..
.
gen: What's so funny??

_________________________________________________________________

*she means sunscreen. for whatever reason, the two are interchangeable in this house.

** she has no bathing suit and does not have any intention of going swimming.

charades...

Gen and Victoria were playing Charades... or their version of it at least. I was trying not to cry blood from my eyeballs, so I desperately tried to tune them out and threw myself into my book. Unfortunately (or fortunately maybe?), I caught this part:

[the answer is "Ninja Turtles"]

vicky: Ok, ok. Two words. TV Show. Wait, how do you do "TV show?"

me: You can't talk...

vicky: Oh, oh ok. Two words. TV show.

--Victoria does a crazy dance-kick followed by some flashy arm movements.--

actual size

gen: Fighting! Kicking!

vicky: no. no...

me: You can't talk...

gen: Ninja!

vicky: yes!!!

me: ughhhh....

Victoria drops to the floor and starts crawling with her arms behind her back... (she's being a turtle)

gen: SLAVE!!!





Yup. The popular children's cartoon, Ninja Slave.

 ::hangs self::

NASDAQ

gen's friend vicky playing with her phone, as usual. uh oh. 



vicky: "ooh stocks went DOWNN!"

(wait for it, here it comes...)

vicky: "Dow Jones: minus 151.44..."

gen: "NEGATIVE! ugh 'minus.'"

vicky: "Nas-da-que... "

me: "NASDAQ!"


vicky: "...minus 57.19"



the future of America, people.

1000 Ways to Die

Me and Gen were sitting around, wasting a night away watching all the seasons of 1000 Ways to Die (totally inappropriate for this kid to watch... who's in charge of her anyway???! lol), and then this happened...

--silently watching the show in the dark--

gen: My question is, "Who's filming these things??"

me: ...they're reenactments!

gen: ohhhhh!

Boy, Girl, BoyGirl?

gen: What are the chances of a couple having a boy?

me: 50/50

gen: No, I'd say about 33 something something...

me: whyyyy?

gen: cus they don't have to have a kid.




Touché, Gen. Touché.

white things and eggs

Gen has hidden her friend Victoria's shoe. Vicky is now desperately searching for it so she can leave. 

gen: ok, it's near something white.

::vicky looks out the window on top of the air conditioner::

victoria: eww why is there a leaf with little beads or eggs on it?

gen: i wanna look at that under the microscope.

::vicky keeps looking for her shoe::

gen: now let's not forget, there are a lot of white things in this room that i can get my hands onto.

_____________________________________________________________

... the two of them are giving me gray hairs.

pocket hot dog

gen: (pointing at her pocket) you want a hot dog? 

me: uhh no.

gen:  you sure?

me: from your pocket? yeah i'm pretty sure.

-pause-

me:  yeah you know what, lemme get that.

gen: (pulls foil-wrapped school lunch hot dog from pants pocket) here ya go. it's a little squished.

-i unwrap it and take a bite. i stop chewing and stare blankly-

gen:  what?

me: (with mouth full of first bite) i'm having a real texture issue. 

- i get up to head toward the kitchen-

me:  i'm gonna get some mustard.

gen:  i have mustard in my pocket...

me:  well, of course you do. 

we are gross. the end. 

gimpy pony

April 29, 2011

gen: nikki looks like a leaping deer when she's lying down. like she's gracefully jumping over something...

me: uh huh... 

gen: he just looks like a galloping, gimpy pony.

me: (looking at Pebble) HA! gimpy... 

animal abuse

April 20, 2011

gen: man, i'm gonna... wait, what's his least favorite smell?

me: (completely caught offguard) whose? pebble?

gen: yeah. 

me: .........whaaa?

i have no idea what she's up to, but i'm pretty sure neither me nor the dog is going to like it. 

pop culture

March 25, 2011

gen: (tugging on her pants) i could fit hannah in here with me!

me: you're like Jared!

gen: ...who?

me: Jared, the Subway guy?

gen: nope. i have no idea who that is. 

me: ugh. my pop culture references are completely lost on you...

gen: everything is lost on me. 

ahhhh so true. 

i hate remembering

October 20, 2010

 here we go again:

{ice breakers commercial is on tv]

gen: "i hate ice breakers"

me: "why?"

gen:" ice breakers at school. especially around the first day..."

me: "why?"

gen: "because you usually have to remember. and i HATE remembering..."

.....................

christ. lol

adamantium

October 17, 2010

gen: "you know how they filled Wolverine's bones with that stuff?"

me: "adamantium."

gen: "yeah. well, it would be cool if they could like put that into an animal."

me: "oh man."

gen: "what?"

me: "nothing..."

---2 minutes of silence later---

gen: "ya know, like an animal that's always getting hurt."  

Captain Hood

October 8, 2009 
gen: "i'm gonna steal two bags of chips and that pepsi bottle when i go." 

me: "what?" 

gen: "i need that clear bottle for my plants." 

me: "yeh, but why are you taking the chips??" 

gen: "cus i have no chips at home." 

me: "but we're POOR! you can't steal from POOR people!" 

gen: "...captain hood can." 

me: "WHO?" 

gen: "ohhh i mean robin hood. wait, that's not right." 

me: "no. no it's not. go home." 


lmao that kid never stops! 

nudey girls

May 28, 2009 
[gen scampers over to me while i'm at the computer] 

gen: "hey, look at this pen." 

me: "what?" 

gen: "look at the woman." [she turns the pen over and the woman's clothes fall off] 

me: "oh christ. where did you get that?" 

gen: "it's dad's." [turns it over again] 

me: "ugh get out of here" 

[gen scampers into the kitchen] 

dad: "hey, don't break that..." 




i think i WILL make a small book out of this shit. or at least a comic strip... 

intestines

May 22, 2009 
gen: "we're traveling down Ashley's small intestine... at increasing speeds. TILT-a-WHIRL!!!!" 




lmao her random outbursts are becoming increasingly more random and outbursty... lol 

grams

March 2, 2009 
gen: "shut your mouth before i throw Amy at you!" 

ash: "if you were a real man, you'd throw something heavier... like Nikk*i." 

gen: "you're right! amy only weighs 85 grams!!" 

ash: "...uhh." 


*our dog

i like that even though she hasn't seen her in a while, she still wants to throw amy at me. and that she measures shit in grams. 

bizarre

February 9, 2009 9:13 pm 
i'm laughing about my conversation with my dad: 


gen: "what's so funny?" 

me: "nothing. i just love recording my conversations with you people. they're so BIZARRE!" 

gen: "you look like you just had a baby. you're all crazy." 

me: "...WHAT?! " (dies laughing) 



this merits a reality show. shove over osbournes! 

my dad... and the walnuts

February 9, 2009 9:09 pm 
lol just like gen, only older. 


dad: "are your hands clean?" 

me: (without looking) "no. of course not." 

dad: "oh well. here, have some walnuts." 

me: (taking some) "they're cold..." 

dad: "they last longer that way. put some in your hand til they're warm." 

me: "that... is not necessary. not one bit." 

dad: "take some. take some more." 

me: (reluctantly taking some) "these are fattening!" 

dad: "they're where you get your omega 3... uh... good fat. it counteracts butter." 

me: "great, cus i had that whole stick of it today...right?" 



lol GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!! 

water buffalo

February 9, 2009 5:18 pm 

gen: "what's his name again?" 

me: "water buffalo." 

gen: "mr. water buffalo?" 

me: "yes." 

gen: "misterrrr...WB!" 

me: "no, dammit. mr. WATER BUFFALO!" 





our fights... are pointless now. lol 

mystery fart

January 31, 2009 
(regarding a mystery fart) 

gen: "and anyway, i'm not the one humping. she's probably the one who squeezed it out." 

me: ::jim face:: 

peep show

January 25, 2009 
(while changing my shirt in my room) 

me: gen, get out i'm clearly changing. 

gen: oh. who's your least favorite person? 

me: wha...what? gen! i'm trying to find a shirt that doesn't make me look fat which is pretty difficult when you actually ARE fat... 

gen: hmm yeah. come see howard and bad cat! 

me: ugh this shirt is even worse cus you can SEE through it! 

gen: (pointing) HAHA! yeah you can. 

me: get... OUT. 




fuckin hell! 

diarrhea

January 22, 2009 
me: i know like a million different versions of that song. 

gen: well what about "when you're sitting on your knee and you don't know what you see--- diarrhea *cha cha cha* diarrhea! *cha cha cha*" 

me: ... dude, that... doesn't make any sense. 

gen: i just made that up. 

me: yeah it shows... 

gen: well, it KINDA makes sense. "when you're sitting on your KNEE and you don't know what you SEE---DIARRHEA!" 

me: good. now it's LOUD and doesn't make any sense... 

gen: ...whatever. 




with each day i love/hate my little sister more lol <3 

eating drugs

January 16, 2009 
gen: ash, did you hear my riddle? 

me: do i have to? 

gen: well, it's kinda not really mine. my friend told it and i dont really remember how it exactly g... 

me: ...so it's gonna suck. 

gen: ... 

me: just fricken tell it. 

gen: ok so this guy won the world record for eating the most drugs in 60 seconds... 

me: eating drugs? ok fair enough. 

gen: um, yeah... so he eats the drugs and then the next day he dies from getting attacked by a pack of wolves he thinks he saw. 

me: and then what? 

gen: nothing. that's the riddle. 

me: that...wasn't a riddle. that's PROBABLY what would happen if you took a shit load of shrooms and hallucinated the wolf pack and had a heart attack. 

gen: ...oh. 

me: tell your friend that he sucks. 

gen: i'm not gonna tell him that. see you on monday! 




i have the BEST 11 year old sister. lol every single day it's another ridiculous story!